I’m going to look into selling chaotica.nu
If you’re interested in buying it let me know. msaysjump -at- gmail.com
It expires on April 29, 2011.
A .nu is going for 28.88 a year but you can only purchase them for 2+. I’ll take that, and you get slightly over a year left.

Millions of thanks go to my Whitters for putting up with me and allowing me to mooch her space.

I didn’t want to give up hope and was gonna just do what she said. They called the next day with my appointment for KRCC to try to see a psychiatrist and told me to apply for a medical card because the neurologist wants 200 dollars just to walk into the office. I went to my KRCC appointment and handed the referral over. She’d lied to me for the reason she wanted me there. It didn’t say anything about helping with medication, it said “psychosis.” That was the point that I’d decided to not fool with her again ’cause I don’t need someone who’s gonna lie to me. Then it turns out that my appointment was with a social worker and I got bitched out because “this is a MENTAL health facility” and they don’t even have a psychiatrist there. It’s a social worker and another nurse.

I still tried it. I sat there and attempted talking to the moron just to get a couple words out and be cut off. He told me the last medication made me suicidal because I was already suicidal (wrong) and that I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since the things I told him had started happening in my earliest memories – my crib – I asked if a clown yelled boo too loud and left. If I was suicidal my psychologist would have had me committed… and I see him weekly.

Not wanting to give up completely I found my way to the community services building. I talked to a woman behind the window, saying “I was told to apply for a medical card, I’d like to see what I’m eligible for.” It’s ridiculous when someone shorter than you looks down their nose at you, literally. She snapped some questions at me and was all bitchy, to the point I cried on my way to the car. It wasn’t just because of her attitude though really, it’s just that there’s no way in hell I can fork up the 200 for the appointment that I really need… and I guess just everything else hit.

Cy and I went to the AT&T store because I was really wanting to upgrade to an iPhone. I had seen a rebate thing that made them pretty cheap and actually affordable, thinking it would be my Christmas present. That didn’t work out either. We had to cut my visit with my mom short because it started snowing, and the roads were horrible by the time we got home. Within half an hour of getting home our power went out, taking with it our heat, phone, net, and eventually our water. It was out for a week. No joke. With it so cold we could see our breath, with it so cold that my cats litter box would steam when he used it.

That was without a doubt a horrible day, and a week without power just sort of made it stretch out forever. Yay for getting power back Christmas Eve.

Now I just need to find a doctor at another clinic with a sliding scale… one who actually tries to help.

Thursday was spent, in large part, at the doctors office. We finally managed to get me in… though it still was just with a nurse practitioner. This time though it was a different clinic all together. A place where people could actually tell their heads from their assholes. It was amazing to have someone sit there and listen to everything I had to say, write it all down, ask questions about it. She actually cared and knew what I was talking about. She got me to sign stuff so she could get my records from the last clinic and the hospital from where I had my ct scan last November.

Now let’s back up to last November. I had extreme vertigo and was sent from Primary Care to the ER to have a ct scan due to the vertigo and migraines. I was told that the test was clear. Let’s back up a few years now, to 2006. If you’ve known me since that time (or before of course) you’ll remember my being hospitalized for a migraine. The people in the ER did a ct scan and said that I’d had a stroke, hospitalized me, then someone else said my MRI was clear and I was fine.

Well um no. Turns out that even the ct scan from last November shows that I did in fact have a stroke a few years ago. This is terrifying. Also terrifying is the fact that my heart rate when I was first called back was 88, and half an hour later after sitting still it was still 87. My bp was high but not as high as it’s been in the past, and she said that my records from Primary Care had shown that my blood pressure was always high. I told her that I’d gone to them for it just to be told there was no issue. I wish I could sue for malpractice, I swear. Every single time I went to that place over the past year was a waste, and to say I went often would be an understatement.

The diagnosis for Fibromyalgia was confirmed though, so that’s one thing the other place got right. She asked what they’d done to help with that and then tried something completely different. Basically I came out of there with three prescriptions, each costing $4 because she actually tried to find something I could afford since I have no insurance… another first. She also sat down with us and explained what each medication did and why she wanted me to try it. I’m supposed go back in two weeks for a progress check. At this point though I’m already not sure I’m going to be able to stay on one of the anti-depressants… it makes me feel weird and I’m excessively irritable. Two medications were anti-depressants, supposed to help Fibromyalgia and migraines, and the other was for my heart and blood pressure.

In totally unrelated news though I have a kitten now, finally. He’s almost solid black with just a few white hairs here and there, extra soft, and extra clingy. He makes me very happy. We named him Gizmo.

A very important person to me passed away last week. Growing up he was always one of those people I knew was always there. He was responsible for giving me a place to live and making sure that place was habitable (electricity and such) for quite some time, and offered me a place to stay each summer when I’d go back up to Ohio. Because of all the crap with my sister I had to miss my cousins wedding, which would have been the last time I’d have gotten to see him. Seeing the pictures, though, is heart warming because he looked happier walking her down the isle than I’d ever seen him.

There was no way I was going to miss the funeral, and there was no way Cy was going to let me miss it. He already had Saturday and Sunday off so he told the store manager what was going on and she let him take Friday off as well. We left early that morning and got to my aunts house just after 2pm. We didn’t even change – dad hopped in our car and we went straight to the funeral home. It was amazing seeing the people I’ve missed so much again, though I wish the circumstances had been different and that Cy had gotten to meet my Uncle Croal.

I know the whole thing was nerve-wracking to him. He adored everyone he met but this was the first time he’d met any of them. I was the only person he knew, period, and there were quite a few people around. As far as I know though everyone adored him as well. Who couldn’t?

After the funeral we got to hang out with my cousin and her new husband for a while. I adore him. We also managed to get in a visit with Angela and her new hubby, Bill. We met up at Summit Mall and ate some amazing food. I didn’t want to leave. It was great getting to see her and meeting Bill. There was this feeling of having known them both forever. Really I wasn’t even nervous on our drive to meet them… my social anxiety left me alone.

After we got back our sewage sploded. It was horrible. Water’s not supposed to come up into the toilet from the line, ya know? Disgusting too is having it floating in your yard. Yeah. I ended up passing out from stress the night before last. Yay panic attacks. Something somewhere has to give… really.

Let’s see… there’s been more drama with my sister. We found things of mine that were packed to bring with me when I moved in her things at her place… things that I know for a fact I’d put in boxes, so she’d gone through my things and gotten out what she wanted. She burned some things that she took as well, so who knows what I’ll never be able to find. They’re getting her on a few drug related charges and I guess are investigating for some others. I’d not be surprised to see her go down for attempted murder. There’s evidence of her having stolen from people as well – we found a wallet when we were looking for my grinder so yeah. That’s been turned into the police.

My brother in law is out of one hospital and into another. He’s been placed in a psychiatric center until a bed at a rehabilitation place in Lexington opens up. He doesn’t know who his children are most of the time and just isn’t acting like himself, so hopefully they’ll get him lined out. It’s heartbreaking. There’s speculation that he didn’t take the drugs himself… and yeah she let him lay there for at least a couple of hours after the overdose with foam coming out of his mouth and him having trouble breathing.

Yay family.

Because I had her purse on me I was told that I couldn’t leave the area, so I had to pull out of my cousins wedding. Being stuck with that crap and not knowing it was bad enough, but to have to cancel the plans was just the icing on the turd cake. Of course I ended up being released from that this week, but it’s too little too late. Bleh.

Things with Cys mom have been a lot better, and we’re loving our new car so that meddling was actually good. He had a long talk about my car with her and it’s still sitting in the yard not running with grass and weeds all over it from lawn work. I figure that they’ll probably take it in my bankruptcy filing thinger, even though it’s not running, and I really don’t care. It would help me out if they did by getting rid of it for me.

I’ve been pushing myself to be more social outside of the house. For years a friend of mine has been saying that we should do something and we finally did last night. Cy got me after he got off work and we met Amanda and her husband Eli at El Azul’s in Hazard for dinner. Next week I’m going to try to do a cookout thinger with another Amanda, taking Kassidy with us so she can play with her little girl. In good news too I’m getting along really well with Cys ex, yet another Amanda, so that’s had me pretty happy. Even better than that is Cy is finally getting along really well with her again. He said he’s genuinely been able to forgive her for everything, and it’s because of me >.> I dunno how I managed to pull that off, but I’m glad. Our getting along is best for Kassidy and really best for all of us.

I’ll try to update more frequently – my lawyer could take up an entry all by himself. I’ll also try to get back into that comment returning habit. Right now I’m just far to frazzled to really do it any justice (or at all) so please forgive me – I’m not intending to be rude.

Thank you for all the support regarding everything that’s been going on.

It’s going beyond the whole drama about me and a job and how that’s none of her business. Oh no it’s grown quite a bit since then. I really can’t help but feel like most fiance’s would have either thrown a fit on her by now or just left. The extent to her meddling (oh wait – “helping”) is really just leaving me shell-shocked.

Yes, my car broke down and is sitting out there. It’s been waiting on Cyrus and I to decide on whether it needs to be fixed or sold. His truck had something major go on with the tire and was undrivable as well. He’s been driving her Suburban, which he had been even before the truck got fucked because of how it’s better on gas.

So she decided the other day that she was going to have his truck towed to the shop with her AAA. No questing us about it, just getting it done. My question was “is she paying for it to be fixed?” Of course not. So that turns into her calling and making an appointment at a car lot in Cy’s name and us taking a trip to Pikeville yesterday. Now we’re getting a new car. We’re not making ends meet as it is, so let’s just add another $250 payment to the monthly bills. Sounds great.

Now of course in the long run it does end up being a good decision (that Cyrus and I talked about ourselves) seeing as it’s not going to put us any better off but we won’t go back any in what we’re saving in gas. Hopefully. His truck got 13 miles or less to the gallon and the new car (2009 Ford Focus) gets 33.

So we came home stressed from her being all over him about everything yesterday but happy because it’s a big step and neither of us have had a new car and all that. So today she tells him “good news” – she’s going to have my car towed and we’re going to get it fixed. “She wants it running.” WHY THE FUCKING HELL IS THAT HER DECISION?

We really can’t afford to have it fixed. We can’t afford the extra insurance. The new car has gone from being ours to being his and I get stuck with the one that everyone has deemed as shit. It’s mine, shouldn’t I have a say-so in whether it gets fixed or not? Especially seeing as I need to come up with yet even more money to get it fixed.

Why the hell can’t she just back the fuck off and let us do things on our own? I mean really.

Sitting in the car yesterday he was like “This is huge.” I told him yeah, it was, and I never thought we’d be making such a huge step before I even got my engagement ring (this month makes us being engaged for six). It hasn’t been a big deal until all of this. “Yeah we’ll save up and get it when we have the money, it’s ok if it takes a while,” is what I told him. If we can be buying cars and forcing mine to be fixed for hundreds of dollars though I should have that ring, if nothing else as consolation for putting up with the woman I’ve grown to despise.

I’ve never felt so second rate before in my life.

Then of course there’s the stress of having to reschedule my appointment with my lawyer and thusly my filing of bankruptcy because she wouldn’t let him drive her car so I could have the truck one day. “We might go to Ashland” is what she said, and of course they didn’t go anywhere. Now I’ve been getting pushed off for days on going to the nursing home to sign papers for my mother. It’s important… but I guess not important enough.

/cries

I’ve since spoken with my niece and don’t doubt at all that what she said was edited and whatnot to make the story “bigger” for the network. Talking to Angie also gave me more of the story and I have to admit that there’s a lot of it that doesn’t make sense at all. I got to talk to my nephew too, bless his heart. My brother in law isn’t in “critical” condition anymore but is still in the ICU and the last I heard was still on the vent, still hadn’t woken up… the doctors still aren’t saying that he’s going to make it but Angie seemed hopeful, so I am too.

The main problems I was having was with my future mother-in-law. I won’t go into all of it now because today’s sort of eclipsed most of it, but mainly she was ‘meddling’ and getting into something that’s none of her business. Cyrus ended up being put in the middle and the tension with all of us just got to the point where I flipped out and I don’t even remember most of it. I did get stressed enough that I passed out, and that brought about the end of it. Cy has always been a shield for me from the world, now he’s more so… and I’ve lost a lot of that happiness with her. We had the baby most of last week though and that was great.

Yesterday Cyrus had to go out of town for Lowe’s again. He’s in Pikeville with other employees from all around the area trying to fix their problems. Today I had to go to Hazard (driving his truck… stressful in itself since it’s so huge and I’ve never driven it before) to get my birth control and visited mom while I was in town. Cy called while I was there before going for food and within 10 minutes of hanging up with him Heather called. She said my name then started crying and said that my brother-in-law is in the ER because he’s overdosed. I left the nursing home and of course went to the hospital. Jonathan (my nephew) was in the waiting room so he went back into the back with me (he’d been back there, stepped back out, and then got locked out). Jimmy was hooked up to the stomach pump, had a ventilator breathing for him… it was horrible. Jonathan thinks that he had some sort of an accident with a 4wheeler.

Two deputies from the sherifs department came in and told Heather that they needed her to go to their home with them so they could search and get everything. Heather left her purse and Jonathan with me, asking that I stay with Jimmy. It wasn’t long after they left when Jimmys sister came in. There’s been a lot of issues with her but I’ve always stayed back and out of it, but she came in talking (in front of Jonathan) about how my sister did this and that and blah blah… I asked her if I could talk to her for a second out in the hall and told her I didn’t know what was going on but to please just keep accusations away from Jonathan – it’s bad enough he’s going through this, he doesn’t need people talking shit about his family in front of him. So she had the hospital staff throw me out. I grabbed my purse, Heathers purse, and took Jonathan with me.

So she followed us out into the parking lot. I was trying to call Cy again so went to the corner of the sidewalk to get a signal, and she followed me saying “Miranda, I told you to stay…” I was just thinking what the fuck… I mean really. I was like “I told you I was coming out here, get off my back.” She pointed her finger at me saying something like “Look here little girl, you better watch it.” Blah blah blah. She wanted to keep me in her sight or whatever, so I told her to just tag along wherever I went. When I finally got a hold of Cy I couldn’t even really tell him what was going on since Jonathan was on one side of me and she’s just hanging behind me on the other.

More cops came so she flagged them down. “She’s had the purse the whole time so you better search it.” What the hell all over again. I handed Heathers purse over without any issues… but then ended up having mine search as well along with a background check. Great. With the way I handle stress I’m honestly surprised I didn’t pass out right then. When they came back with Heather though they went through her purse and she ended up getting arrested. They took me with them to her car to search it, so they filed a separate police report for what they found in it because the other had already been signed off. She was able to hide the handcuffs from Jonathan and I’m really hoping that he doesn’t figure out what was going on.

I don’t guess I need to say that I’m worried on so many levels. Really. I’m worried about everyone. It’s a heartbreaking situation. At first the plan was for Jonathan to come home with me to get him away from it all. He ended up going with his sister, which is a good thing, but wasn’t a good thing was Jimmys sister trying to tell the cops that he didn’t even know who I am.

It’s a hurtful situation all around, and he’s the one who really loses. I really hope Jimmy pulls through okay… and really don’t know what to do about my sister being in jail. I think they said “felony” =(

(((( NO, she did NOT try to kill him ))))

We talked a lot while we were out, and thankfully she told me about her doctor and the clinic she goes to. Apparently they have a sliding scale that starts at $0, so I should be able to be seen for free. She knows I have health issues but doesn’t know what’s been going on lately. For now as far as anyone around me goes, only Cy and my mom really know, Cy more than anyone. Cold sweats, heart racing, extreme difficulty breathing, stopping breathing, passing out… the list seems to go on. The worry is that I’ll not remember everything to tell the doctor when I finally get to go. I want him to go with me but really doubt that’ll happen… but I could be mistaken (as I seem to be most of the time).

In good news I found an ad in the phone book for a bankruptcy lawyer who starts out at $375 and another who you can retain for $0… both are operating out of Paintsville though. I’ve never been to Painstville, I’m still not completely comfortable driving the Suburban (the only vehicle I’ve got access to), so Cy said he’d take me on one of his days off. It’ll be a family outing day since we’ll have the baby. I’m excited and nervous at the same time… it’ll be amazing to get this weight off my shoulders, or at least to start the process.

Sunday was his day off so we went to Lowe’s to get a washer. Ours had died a few weeks earlier and it was getting tiresome doing laundry at his moms, we just waited for the store to have a 12 months no interest deal so we could put it on the card. After loading the washer we tried to start the car again and it actually started once but ran for a total of maybe 2 seconds and wouldn’t start again. Through the week Mike looked at it and told Cy what part he needed to get, so we waited until payday (yesterday) to do so. Still wouldn’t work. More digging around and there was a lot more to be replaced, including the computer that runs the whole thing (which is where the main problem originates from). We have to get it towed from Hazard to Mousie.

Long story short if someone had a few hundred dollars to put into the car it would be good to go for several more years. It’s just money we don’t have right now, as is the monthly insurance I’m paying. I asked if I should junk it or try to sell it, and Mike said to try to sell it. He said to post it up for $750 and expect around $500… which would be a great first payment for a lawyer for bankruptcy.

I’m sad. I loved my car. At the same time it’s going to be a weight off my shoulders not having to come up with the insurance and being embarrassed because it’s so loud (and the exhaust would have to be special ordered through the manufacturer).